Sorrow | Sleeping At Last

 

it feels like falling.
it feels like rain.
like losing my balance
again and again.
it once was so easy;
breathe in. breathe out.
but at the foot of this mountain,
i only see clouds.

i feel out of focus,
or at least indisposed
as this strange weather pattern
inside me takes hold.
each brave step forward,
i take three steps behind
it’s mind over matter –
matter over mind.

slowly,
then all at once.
a single loose thread
and it all comes undone.

where there is light,
a shadow appears.
the cause and effect
when life interferes.
the same rule applies
to goodness and grief;
for in our great sorrow,
we learn what joy means.

i don’t want to fight,
i don’t want to fight it.
but i will learn to fight,
i will learn fight
’til this pendulum finds equilibrium.

slowly,
then all at once.
the dark clouds depart,
and the damage is done.

so pardon the dust
while this all settles in.
with a broken heart,
transformation begins.

I Dare You To Move (Fore You Haven’t For A While Now)

I’ve been in a terrible mood lately, and I just seem to be exhausted all the time. Very unmotivated, and quite numb. If I could get away with it, I’d spend my whole time being a couch potato, and I think I’d be quite happy like that, too. For a while, at least. Possibly a long one. I guess I’m just feeling down, like I’ve been dragging a boulder with me everywhere I go. Frustrated, tired, and consequentially not in the mood to do anything, or go anywhere. Even typing this feels a bit like a chore, but- enough is enough! And I’ve had just about enough. I always go through these… dry spells of sorts. And getting out of them requires some motivation. Which is why this post is being typed, and hopefully shared with you.
I have a playlist titled “You’re Fine,” consisting of songs that at some point in my life have (lyrically, and musically) helped to motivate me and remind me that I’m, well, fine. That I’m doing just fine. I’m okay. That what I’m going through may not be okay, but I have it in me to be okay despite all that, or, that I have it in me to work to the point where I am okay. So I thought it would nice to share this playlist, just in case it might be of some help to you, too, in some way.

Be warned: it consists of multiple genres.

You’re Fine:

(I added a link to lyrics that aren’t included in the videos)

I might update this list every time a song makes its way to the playlist.

We’ll see!

Hope you’re doing well.

-Farah

 

Updated: 10 May, 2017

The Story of Becoming… The Hard Way

Today, while I was on my way to the gym, thinking about some things that I like to avoid thinking about (worrying), I was listening to ‘Test Drive’ by John Powell. It’s the song that plays when Hiccup is taking Toothless out on a test drive in How to Train Your Dragon. The scene is one of the most exciting I have ever seen, and the music itself is one of my favorites. Listening to it makes me feel like I’m the one on the dragon’s back, going fast with the wind in my hair, as the world lies beneath me, and the sky swallows me up. It’s a great song.

If you haven’t listened to it before, here you go (you’re going to need to for this post to make some sense, I suppose):

And it’s when those two things crossed paths (me worrying about future hardships while listening to Test Drive), that something wonderful occurred to me.

Okay. So, whenever I listen to Test Drive, I always have to endure the part from 1:20-1:52. It’s not my favorite part. In fact, when I first properly listened to the song (which was right after I first watched the movie), I kind of wished that part wasn’t in the song. Though I quickly chastised myself for having that thought because “this song is perfect, and nothing you say will ever change that.” But still, to this day, it always feels like I’m enduring that part (though this is consciously thought subconsciously). Like I’m waiting for it to finish so we could get back to the better parts of the song. But, today, while I was on my way to the gym, I realized that the part I look forward to the most is the part right after the one I have to endure. And then it occurred to me that the part I look forward to probably wouldn’t carry the same weight it does if it didn’t come right after the part I have to endure. And, I mean, the beginning of the song is great. I get goosebumps every time the song begins. It’s powerful, and it’s booming, but it’s not like the part I look forward to. The beginning of the song is smooth sailing. A great adventure. You feel free, and let-go. Like you’re safely free-falling into a gigantic sky. And then the part I have to endure starts to play, and it sounds loud, and panic-y, and like you’re sinking into solid ground, as if you were in a nightmare. It’s a bit scary.

But then.

Then, the part I look forward to starts to play, and it’s epic. Especially the part that starts playing at 2:00. It sounds like those moments when you get a sudden burst of strength to carry on doing what it is you were doing, despite the struggle. To fight back. To not let it bring you down. And it sounds exactly like the beginning of this song, but it’s intensified. It’s a statement. “I will not allow you take away from my being.” It’s thunderous, and it’s monumental. It’s heroic.

And, it was while I was thinking that, that I made a link between those thoughts and my worrying. Maybe my hardships are those 32 seconds of music I have to endure. Which would make the me after those hardships the part I look forward to in the song. And while the beginning of the song is great in and of itself (i.e. my life without hardships), I don’t think I’d like to miss the opportunity of being something greater.

It’s just a thought I had.

Way Out There – Lord Huron

I’m a long way from the land that I left
I’ve been running through life and cruising toward death
If you think that I’m scared you’ve got me wrong
If you don’t know my name, you’ll know it now
I belong bodily to the earth
I’m just wearing old bones from those that came first
There are many more flames when mine is gone
They will build me no shrines and sing me no songs

I’m a long way from the one that I loved
I’ve been tending old flames, lamenting what was
Drifting in a land that time forgot
If you think that I’ve changed, you know me not
I belong bodily to the earth
I’m just wearing old bones from those that came first
I been unraveling since my birth
Gonna wander out there and see what I’m worth

Find me way out there
there’s no road that will lead us back
When you follow the strange trails
they will take you who knows where
If I found a way to stay with you tonight
it would only make me late, for a date I can’t escape

Finals… Everywhere

Due to the fact that I have no time to do anything but study these days (May 31st, please hurry up), I thought I’d just leave this here for you to check out:

Ps. this is my current anthem.

Lyrics:

I wish I found some better sounds no one’s ever heard,
I wish I had a better voice that sang some better words,
I wish I found some chords in an order that is new,
I wish I didn’t have to rhyme every time I sang,

I was told when I get older all my fears would shrink,
But now I’m insecure and I care what people think.

My name’s ‘Blurryface’ and I care what you think.
My name’s ‘Blurryface’ and I care what you think.

Wish we could turn back time, to the good ol’ days,
When our momma sang us to sleep but now we’re stressed out.
Wish we could turn back time, to the good ol’ days,
When our momma sang us to sleep but now we’re stressed out.

We’re stressed out.

Sometimes a certain smell will take me back to when I was young,
How come I’m never able to identify where it’s coming from,
I’d make a candle out of it if I ever found it,
Try to sell it, never sell out of it, I’d probably only sell one,

It’d be to my brother, ‘cause we have the same nose,
Same clothes homegrown a stone’s throw from a creek we used to roam,
But it would remind us of when nothing really mattered,
Out of student loans and treehouse homes we all would take the latter.

My name’s ‘Blurryface’ and I care what you think.
My name’s ‘Blurryface’ and I care what you think.

Wish we could turn back time, to the good ol’ days,
When our momma sang us to sleep but now we’re stressed out.
Wish we could turn back time, to the good ol’ days,
When our momma sang us to sleep but now we’re stressed out.

We used to play pretend, give each other different names,
We would build a rocket ship and then we’d fly it far away,
Used to dream of outer space but now they’re laughing at our face,
Saying, “Wake up, you need to make money.”
Yeah.

We used to play pretend, give each other different names,
We would build a rocket ship and then we’d fly it far away,
Used to dream of outer space but now they’re laughing at our face,
Saying, “Wake up, you need to make money.”
Yeah.

Wish we could turn back time, to the good ol’ days,
When our momma sang us to sleep but now we’re stressed out.
Wish we could turn back time, to the good ol’ days,
When our momma sang us to sleep but now we’re stressed out.

Used to play pretend, used to play pretend, bunny
We used to play pretend, wake up, you need the money
Used to play pretend, used to play pretend, bunny
We used to play pretend, wake up, you need the money
We used to play pretend, give each other different names,
We would build a rocket ship and then we’d fly it far away,
Used to dream of outer space but now they’re laughing at our face,
Saying, “Wake up, you need to make money.”
Yeah.