21

This is my first day and blog entry as a 21-year-old. I don’t truly feel much different. I say that about all my birthdays. “I don’t feel any different,” as if I were trying to be pretentious about it. “Everyone expects me to feel so ‘AHHH’ about my age, but I don’t feel any different.” And it’s true, I don’t feel any different. It’s not like I now get this feeling that only 21-year-olds get. Yesterday I was 20, and today I’m 21. It’s exciting, yes. Wonderful, even. I’m a different age! I’ve completed my 21st year of life! HUZZAH! But I don’t feel much different from the self that I was a day ago, which should be something that goes without saying, so I don’t know why I mention it after every birthday I have.
With that being said though, I feel like when people ask you “Do you feel any different?”, they aren’t asking “Do you feel any different than you did a day ago?” I mean, it’s not like your friends call you at exactly 12 AM to ask, “Do you feel any different than you did a minute ago?” (Unless they were joking, of course). They ask, “How does it feel, being 21?” And they might be asking that because there’s not much else to say (birthday-wise) when wishing someone a happy birthday (actually, they probably (definitely) do ask you that for that reason), but I guess you could think of it as (this is going to get cheesy) them saying “Look at how far we’ve come.” And not everyone means it that way (obviously), but with some people it’s like, we were 10 years old together, and now you’re turning 21, how does it feel?
And when I think about it, by celebrating my 21st year of life on this planet, I can feel myself moving a fraction away from the self I have been for so many years. It isn’t an obvious transformation, and I don’t think its entirely an unconscious one either, but I can feel a shift. I can feel the distance between what is and what was. I can feel it getting bigger. It’s a slow movement. As slow as the daily motion this teensy Earth makes around our titanic Sun. And it’s also just as fast. I’m going to live (God be willing) 364 more days until I reach my next birthday, and most of these days will be slow and uneventful, and the others will be fast and full of happenings to learn from. I’ll have days where I’ll go through hell and back, and then I’ll have days that make me feel as if I were the girl in the music video of that really fun and catchy pop song. I’ll go through a lot. 364 days worth of experience. And then, when it’s finally my birthday on Jan. 7, 2016, all of that will have felt as fast as the blink of my eyes. I was there and now I’m here, I will think. How quickly time flies.

Story behind the candles: My sister was unable to find a "1" for "21" so she opted to get "858" because 8+5+8= 21. Naturally, I imagined myself as a creature of the night who was actually celebrating her 858th birthday. It was a good birthday.

Story behind the candles: My sister was unable to find a “1” for “21” so she opted to get “858” because 8+5+8= 21. Naturally, I imagined myself as a creature of the night who was actually celebrating her 858th birthday. It was a good birthday.

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7 thoughts on “21

  1. One; I love your header, it’s soo beautiful.
    Two; I completely agree, as I was talking to friend and it turned midnight suddenly I hit the age of 20…but I kept thinking about the transition…how there wasn’t a magical transformation, and I don’t feel much different to before, but I do feel slightly different.
    Three; I love the birthday candles hahah!! xx

    • I have never felt as inexperienced, and as childish, as I did when I turned 20. I mean, all the years before, it’s like you feel older with every birthday. When you turn 16 you’re officially the age of some Disney princesses, and then you turn 18 and you get excited over how you are now “officially” a grown up in the eyes of the law. But then you turn 20, and you realize that it’s actually a grown up age, but you don’t quite FEEL like a grown up yet, because it suddenly hits you that you don’t know much about anything. And you know that if your kid self looked at you they would think that you were a grown up, when you feel like anything but. Like, no little Farah, I’m not a grown up at ALL. I’m not as capable as you imagined I’d be.
      I had officially left my teen years behind me, and it scared me how NOT grown up I felt. I kept on saying I felt like I was 10+10. Like I was two 10-year-olds, instead of one 20-year-old. It felt that way at the time. I still feel quite inexperienced, but its a more confident feeling. As in, now I definitely know that there is much I do not know, and I’m okay with it, because it makes everything I do learn and experience matter more. And, I mean, you have to start SOMEwhere, so why not start right here and now?

      I thought the header was lovely too when I saw it. I have a soft spot for elephants. I haven’t a clue why though. And the birthday candles were definitely one of the highlights of my night! It was an interesting way to start my year.

      • Ahh that is an interesting thought, the 10+10! That’s really cool! Yeah I mean my age and the way I think changed affected me more when left school and sixth form. I feel more free to be me at uni, haha talk about the rhymes in that line! Hahah! But yes, I feel that age doesn’t really bother me, it’s more feeling like I can just be me at whatever age.

        Yes the elephant is very cute, I saw an owl one too, but it said Shine On and I didnt really feel it worked with my blog haha. I have a friend who is designing a header for me which will hopefully make my blog look better 🙂 xxx

      • I’m glad uni seems to be going well for you then! What are you studying? (If you don’t mind me asking). I’m studying law.
        It took me a while to find my footing in university, but I think I’ve finally found it. And thank God for that! I found it hard to pick a major, and that’s mainly because of a lack of planning on my part, to be honest. I hope all is well for you in that aspect.

        I look forward to seeing the header once it’s done! And I hope it’ll be to your liking!

      • It’s great im studying Performance Design and Practice, which is like film/theatre/liveart work. I was quite skeptical about it all at first, but then it seemed like the right thing to go for! 🙂

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