Clarity Interfered (Thank God For That)

I’ve recently spent some time thinking about what I’m going through and how it’s been affecting me. Allow me to elaborate on my previous sentence. I am 20 years old, and I feel quite lost career-wise. I don’t know what I want to study or what I want to do for the rest of my life. I feel lost. I am told (mostly by tumblr) that this is a completely normal feeling. But normal doesn’t necessarily make it easy. I’ve spent hours being nervous and getting sweaty just thinking about university and… The Future (DUN DUN dun). It’s been a while since I’ve felt like I’ve truly accomplished something and I find that, that is making me bitter and insecure about being, well, me. I’ve started to pressure myself into working harder, which just makes me lose any drive I had to work at all, and even worse, I’ve been comparing myself to others. Which really is the worst thing I can do at a time like this. I compare myself to people that, I believe, are happy and successful in their fields. Current friends, old friends, classmates, acquaintances, strangers even! Just today I was jealous of my own sister’s accomplishment. I compare myself to them (sometimes knowingly) and then thoughtlessly think silly, mean thoughts about them. And then, I get bitter about it all, and cocky even. Like: Whatever. She has that, but does she have this? Which is horrible. This all happens in a matter of seconds, subconsciously. But yesterday I caught myself thinking that way, and, for a moment, I was scared of the person I could become. I shocked myself. I’m a nice person, okay? Probably not the nicest person to walk the Earth, but still. I put some effort into being a nice person, because it matters to me. So for me to be doing that, to be thinking those things, I had to justify it in my head. Do you know what I mean? While I was thinking those mean thoughts about the people in my life, I had to give myself a reason for feeling the way I did. Like all those people had personally succeeded just to make me feel bad. (I’ve just realized how cocky I can be). So in my head I’d justify these feelings by thinking, oh it’s just because you’re feeling bad about yourself. Or, they’ll never know that you thought that, so it’s okay. And yesterday, while I was comparing myself to someone, I just suddenly got this very clarifying thought. I thought: This isn’t who you are. You don’t do this. A part of me replied saying something like but this is just because I’m feeling bad. I’m just doing this because I feel broken, when I get myself together I won’t think these things. I won’t need to compare myself to others. And when I thought that last part. It was like a light was clicked on in my head. So for you to be secure and happy, everyone has to be lower than you? Or at the same level? Is that what it is? You’re going to be mean and bitter to everyone in your head until you pull yourself together? What does that say about you? You like and try to be a “nice” girl, but when you’re put in a situation where your “niceness” can be tested, you choose to not do it because “I’m feeling bad”?
Needless to say that I was quite ashamed of myself yesterday, but also quite proud that I could be so clarifying all on my own. And I might not be at the top of my game, but I’m getting there. It’s just taking me longer to reach the level everyone else has seemed to reach. Which shouldn’t (and is starting to not really) bother me now, because the only game I’m going to try to focus on is mine.

Somewhere deep inside me I can feel my subconscious think: (Finally.)


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