I don’t know what I’m doing.
I said it.
I don’t know what I’m doing. I don’t know what I’m doing. I DON’T KNOW WHAT I’M DOING! I do not know what I am doing.
I was never told how to grow up or what I was supposed to expect after high school. No one sat down and explained this stuff to me. I didn’t know what college was until I was in the 7th grade. And that’s only because I heard my classmates talking about it. I only heard about “college” when they talked about their older siblings. I pieced it together on my own because I was too embarrassed to ask. Everyone seemed to already know what was going to happen to us after school so I was too embarrassed to come out and say that I didn’t. And it took a long time for me to actually understand it. It took even longer for me to grasp that there are levels in school. I didn’t know what elementary was or that I was in it, and I was baffled when I heard that there was a “middle school” and that we were “going to it next year.” I kept on thinking about why we all had to go. I didn’t even think about saying that I didn’t want to go because everyone kept on talking about it like it was inevitable. So I just went with the flow. Of course I still wondered what this “middle school” was. It never occurred to me that there would be a difference between the 6th and 7th grade. (We start middle school in grade 7 where I’m from.)
I guess we should have seen this coming. They should have seen this coming. My parents. What else are you supposed to expect from a 10 year old who went to her first midterm without knowing what a midterm (let alone an exam) was? I walked into that class all weirded out by the way everyone was separated. I even asked (yes, I asked) my classmate “Why are you sitting there?” Like the clueless girl that I am. It’s no wonder that I am now a 19 year old girl who has no idea what to do in college. And I don’t mean that I have no clue what to study (even though I’m sorta having trouble with that as well, but let’s take this one problem at a time.) I mean I literally don’t know how college works. In school it was mostly between your parents and your teachers with a little action from you. All you had to do was study well and do your homework and behave in class. Easy. Here, it’s you and your professor. Your education is literally yours to control. I don’t know how to do or handle that. I don’t know what I want or how I want it. I need someone to tell me what to do, because I don’t know what to do.
I have no idea what I’m doing.
I want to blame my parents for this but the poor guys couldn’t have seen this coming. How could they? I was their smart little Farah, the soon to be doctor. The one that was going places. Ha!
I didn’t see it coming either. I mean sure, I got the idea that I didn’t know what was happening but I put it together. Once I wrapped my head around the whole middle school thing it didn’t take long to understand that there was going to be a high school and then, after that, off to university I would soar. Except I’m not soaring. I’m trapped in this cage of confusion. I have no idea what is going on. My friends all seem to be doing fine, sure there are some who took a while to adapt but they’re doing fine now. It’s only me. I haven’t adapted well. I think it’s because I don’t have any older siblings. I think I might’ve asked my cousins if they lived in the same city as I, but that’s just a guess. And if it didn’t occur to my parents to tell me what an exam is, I’m sure that they didn’t feel the need to explain how college and life in general works. But that’s the thing. I don’t think my friends’ older siblings told them how college works. I think my friends just saw how their siblings dealt with it and picked it up. And their siblings might have picked it up from their older cousins and so on and so forth. I am the lab rat. My parents are experimenting with me so when it’s my sister’s turn they will know what to do. I’m being harsh. I know they don’t mean to be like this. It’s just that it never occurred to me that my parents, like me, don’t know how to deal with this. They’re probably just as clueless as I. Which is disheartening but true.
I don’t know what I’m doing.