I live in a strange time. Wonderful, but also strange. People who are practically worlds away from me, people who don’t know me or my name, who’ve never heard of me or even thought to think that someone like me exists – that I exist – can touch me despite all that. And, it’s so beautiful that I get to experience the world that way. That I can take in what people worlds and lifetimes away have to offer just by a few clicks here and there, and that my life isn’t limited to merely what is around me. It’s amazing, really. I can see so much from so far away. But it can also be very frustrating because strangers mean so much to me. People who have never heard of me, matter to me.
And it kind of sucks.
You have no clue who I am – you don’t even know my name – and yet I’ve spent so much time thinking of you, watching you, listening to you, imagining things that will never happen with you. And doing all that, living my life with you (or with a figment of you) unknowingly in it, is all harmless and fun until it’s not, because it can be quite frustrating and it can leave you feeling terribly lonely sometimes. It’s like waking up to an empty room (or an empty life) after having a wonderfully sociable dream. Reality sets when you look up from your screen. You are not here with me even though you are (because, after all, you are only a couple of clicks away).
And, the thing is, this isn’t about me feeling like I am owed something by you because, you do not owe me anything for carrying feelings for you. I’m not so deluded so as to believe or think that. No. You are entirely your own person and you always will be. That was true before you were ever even introduced to me and it remains true now. So, this isn’t about that.
What is it about then, you may ask. I don’t even know how or where to begin.
It’s like, you watch these people – these celebrities or whatever – and it feels like you’re a part of their lives – and, you are, to some extent, you do matter and you make a difference to them – but really it’s more like they’re a part of yours. And you’re aware of that and despite that or because of it you can’t help yourself when thinking things such as “I wonder if we’d get along with each other” or even “I know we’d get along with each other,” or “I wish we could be friends,” or “I’d love to talk to them about so-and-so,” or “I wish I could tell them so-and-so,” or “What if I too were famous and got to meet and be a human with them,” or whatever. You get the idea. But it’s all so useless. These thoughts? They’re all just wishful thinking. That longing, though it feels so real and tangible in you, is based on what may as well be illusions. It’s based on… not “nothing”, but on something that may as well not exist. It’s useless. Because what can I do with it other than feel frustrated with how little I can do with it? It’s like being in a room full of people you admire or love (or whatever) whilst also being invisible. I can see you, I can hear you, but I just can’t get through to you. No matter what I do, what I say, how much I wish, pray or beg, I remain invisible to you. And there is no changing it. I look at the people you converse with right in front of me and think they’re so lucky to have your attention on them. And I love that for you. I love that you have that, that there are people you care for in your life. Good for you. But then I remember I’m invisible and I remember how I have to find solace in this invisibility, how I have to make peace with it because you will never see me, and that’s just how it is. And that thought can be very frustrating because you’re right. there. but you’re also not, really (because despite what we may think, clicks do not equal connections, at least, not in the way we want them to). And somehow with all this in mind I’m to go on knowing of you though you know nothing of me – you don’t even know me – and it’s supposed to be ok. Ok.
And it’s sounds so stupid when you put words to it. It really does. You can sound so delusional and crazy. Like, “I’m so in love with the Jonas Brothers, why won’t they notice me?” or “Justin Bieber is my idol, but I may as well not exist to him,” or “One Direction are my life and they don’t even know it!” Or, or, or… etc. And people like that are made fun of.
Hahahaha, they’re so delusional. They need to grow up.
And that’s so dumb, because it can be such a real frustration, and that can bring with it a weird sort of heartache. “Weird” because it feels like it, that heartache, should be invalid, because, again, you don’t owe me anything, and we don’t even really know each other. But, by calling it that, by deeming it “invalid” it seems to take away from what it is I feel for you, and those feelings are as genuine as they can be in this one-sided affection I have towards you, a stranger I see on the internet. And I can’t bring myself to diminish those feelings, because despite their one-sidedness, despite the fact that they may as well be based on illusions or what may as well not exist, these feelings are real and I feel them. This solitary infatuation of mine exists. I care for you though I do not even know you. I care for you though you have never heard of me. It’s such an odd thing. Like, what am I even getting out of this? It’s not your time or your attention, it’s not even the hope that these feelings will be returned one day (a girl can, and does, dream, but who are we kidding). So what? What am I getting out of this? I don’t even know, and frankly, I’m starting to think it doesn’t really matter. I have feelings for you and that’s it. Case closed. Does it need to be more? Am I pathetic for not asking for more?
And, the thing is, if not handled carefully, these feelings, these oh so intense feelings, can make you delusional. I believe that. I can see how someone can be consumed by them and start to feel like they are owed something because of them. After all, being invisible for too long gets boring and can drive you crazy. But with that being said, I also think that this experience as a whole can be quite a humbling one if handled with careful consideration because, I love and appreciate you [however much] and for [whatever reason(s)] even though you will never know it. Even though you don’t see or hear me, even though my feelings towards you will remain unacknowledged, I have feelings for you and they are here to stay for however long they do and… that’s it. There’s nothing more.
And I don’t think feelings can be any more genuine than that. I really don’t.